A Vintage Conclave: Could Wine Choices Reveal the Next Pope?

Is there anything more secretive than a papal conclave? Smoke billows from the Sistine Chapel chimney, a silent semaphore signaling the cardinals' progress (or lack thereof). We analyze every gesture, every whispered word, searching for clues about the next pontiff. The recently released film "Conclave," starring Ralph Fiennes, depicts the tense and secretive atmosphere of this pivotal event. But what if we're looking in the wrong place? What if the true story lies not in the pronouncements, but in the provisions? Specifically, the vino.

Imagine, for a moment, if the Vatican press office released a daily wine list from the conclave. Not just "red" or "white," but detailed descriptions: vintage, region, grape varietals, even tasting notes. Suddenly, the conclave becomes a virtual wine tasting for the world.

"The cardinals are provided with simple, wholesome meals," we've been told over the years, and "wine is served with lunch and dinner." But that's where the specificity ends. We hear whispers of "table wine," a phrase that offers little insight. What if, instead, we knew they favored classic Italian reds, like a robust Chianti Classico Riserva or a velvety Barolo? This could suggest a desire for continuity and a return to established doctrines. Conversely, perhaps they opt for crisp, refreshing Pinot Grigio or a vibrant New World Sauvignon Blanc. This might indicate an openness to change and a willingness to engage with contemporary issues. Like, why is James Suckling making New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, and is it going to be any good?

Regional allegiances could also be revealed. Do we see a preponderance of wines from specific regions? A heavy reliance on French Bordeaux might indicate strong ties to France, or a surprising amount of Argentinian Malbec could show a nod to the current pope's heritage. Vintage variation would become a fascinating metric. Do they favor older, more contemplative vintages, or younger, more energetic ones? This could be a metaphor for the type of leadership they seek. Daily fluctuations in the wine list would offer a real-time window into the conclave’s progress. A move from light, approachable whites to full-bodied reds might reflect the increasing intensity of the deliberations. Or, a sudden appearance of dessert wines could hint at a breakthrough. "A new pope is almost here; they are drinking Sauternes."

Imagine the headlines: "Cardinals Favor Tuscan Reds, Signaling Potential for Italian Pope?" or "Sudden Surge in French Whites Fuels Speculation of European Candidate." "Late-Night Port Hints at Prolonged Deliberations," or perhaps, "A single bottle of Amarone, consumed on the final day, sparks intense speculation." These are the narratives that could emerge.

Wine, after all, is more than just a beverage. It's a cultural artifact, a reflection of history and tradition, a symbol of celebration and contemplation. We like to call it "glass art" in the shop. By revealing the cardinals' wine choices, the Vatican could offer a unique and engaging window into the conclave. We know that provisions are made, but "simple, wholesome" does not give us the insight that a more detailed wine list would.

Of course, some might argue that such details are frivolous. But in a process shrouded in secrecy, even the smallest clues can hold significant meaning. And let's be honest, wouldn't you rather debate the merits of a 1998 Brunello di Montalcino than another round of smoke signals?

So, Vatican, next time, consider adding a sommelier to your press team. Let the world taste the conclave, one vintage at a time.