Greenland Tensions Escalate as Moscato Enters The Discussion

BREAKING (Very Serious):

President Trump has reportedly warned Greenland that unless it cooperates fully and surrenders the U.S. will begin air-dropping Moscato along the coastline.   

Sources say the plan—code-named Operation Sweet Resolve—involves sticky notes, floral aromatics, and an inordinate amount of residual sugar. “Nobody wants this,” Trump allegedly said. “It’s too sweet. Tremendous sweetness. Frankly, devastating.”

Greenland officials are said to be scrambling, citing concerns about polar bears developing brunch palates and glaciers smelling faintly of peach rings. The Pentagon declined to comment, but confirmed the Moscato would be served “well-chilled.”

While Moscato producers are understandably thrilled they are being reticent about the development. At press time, Italy denied involvement, California said “this is not ideal but we are ready to serve the President,” and sommeliers worldwide called it a war crime—"against sensibility".