A Royal Rosé Rivalry: King Charles's 'Two Buck King Chuck'

In a move that has sent ripples through the hallowed halls of Buckingham Palace and the sun-drenched vineyards of Montecito, His Majesty King Charles III has reportedly declared an all-out "rosé war" against his daughter-in-law, Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex. Sources close to the palace—who wish to remain anonymous for fear of being forced to determine if Prince Andrew is truly incapable of sweating as a form of punishment—claim the King's ire was sparked by the recent launch of Meghan's "American Riviera Orchard" rosé."

"It's not just the audacity of it, darling," whispered a particularly well-informed corgi, "it's the pinkness. And the label. So... Californian."

Apparently, upon sampling a glass of the Duchess's new offering, King Charles was said to have clutched his chest, declared it tasted like "lipstick made from a half drunken pink lemonade Lucozade that had rolled under the seats of a double decker in the East End and gone unnoticed until the bus crashed and the bottle went flying and somehow landed in the crotch of a Russian cabbie idling in traffic and smoking a ciggie," and immediately summoned his royal vintners.

"Bring me something Provence!" he reportedly bellowed, "Something with character! Something that screams, 'I loathe the series "Suits" because my daughter-in-law plays a minor role in it!'"

And thus, "Two Buck King Chuck" was born.

Described by early tasters as "surprisingly palatable for something clearly designed out of spite," and "possessing notes of old leather, duty, and a faint hint of garden compost," Two Buck King Chuck is set to hit shelves next month. But the King's ambition doesn't stop at mere market share.

In an unprecedented move, King Charles has announced that 100% of the proceeds from "Two Buck King Chuck" will be donated directly to the creators of the hit animated series, South Park.

"His Majesty was particularly impressed by their recent, shall we say, 'artistic interpretations' of certain self-exiled ducal figures," explained a palace spokesperson, carefully adjusting their monocle. "He believes their continued work is vital for... public morale."

When asked for comment, a representative for South Park simply replied, "Sweet. More money for Kenny."

The Duchess of Sussex's camp has yet to issue a formal statement. However, sources indicate that if and when the Duchess does respond, her husband will be willfully by her side, nodding persistently and dutifully, a bottle of her newly launched rosé firmly in hand.