The Wine and Wafer Church Scandal

In a scandal that has rocked the ecclesiastical supply chain, Church of England priests have reportedly been spotted sneaking into supermarkets, liquor stores, and artisanal bakeries in search of the “purest” Holy Communion elements. Their target? Wine with just enough alcohol to be righteous and wafers so gluten-packed they could double as building material.

This comes after comments by the Bishop of Lichfield, Dr. Michael Ipgrave, declaring non-alcoholic wine and gluten-free wafers “unfit” for communion.

In parishes across the U.K., clergy have reportedly formed underground networks, exchanging tips on which local shops stock wine “wholesome enough for the Lord” and which bakeries will sneak an extra punch of gluten into otherwise innocent-looking wafers.

Sister Margaret of St. Crispin’s Parish in Bristol was seen exiting Ye Olde Grain Emporium and VAPE Shop with a suspiciously large sack of “Maximum Gluten Flour.” When asked about it, she simply muttered, “Canon B17,” and vanished into a cloud of incense.

Meanwhile, gluten-intolerant parishioners are left in a theological gray area. “Apparently, I can participate by ‘faith alone,’” said Emily, a celiac churchgoer, while eyeing the communion line like it was a medieval gauntlet. “At this rate, they’ll be serving the Eucharist with a disclaimer and an EpiPen.”

The Church’s official statement now insists that “low-gluten” wafers and wine with “tiny traces” of alcohol are fine. But some priests aren’t taking any chances. As one anonymous vicar put it:

“You better believe that the water that Christ turned into wine contained alcohol."