Paul Pelosi Plays Bumper Cars in Napa

The tranquil, multi-million-dollar pastoral paradise of Yountville was violently disrupted Friday afternoon by the terrifying sound of a plastic bumper softly clipping a stationary vehicle. Yes, 86-year-old Paul Pelosi took his majestic, mud-colored brown convertible out for a spin, introducing it directly to the rear end of an unoccupied, legally parked car.

According to the Napa County Sheriff’s Office, Paul did what any "legendary investor" would do after a crash: he briefly paused, apparently failed to notice the parked car he’d just plowed into, and kept driving for another quarter-mile until his ride completely broke down and refused to budge.

Authorities have strictly confirmed that alcohol was not a factor. Paul was entirely sober; he just simply didn't know what he hit. To help Paul map out his next completely sober, entirely chaotic Friday afternoon excursion, we’ve put together a speculative itinerary of world-class Yountville destinations he might have been aiming for before he started playing bumper cars.  

Potential Destinations for a Totally Sober, Bumper-Denting Cruise:

1. The Line for The French Laundry’s Dumpster

Perhaps Paul was trying to bypass Thomas Keller’s impossible nine-month reservation queue at The French Laundry by engineering a bespoke drive-thru window. Pulling a sharp right turn straight through a parked sedan is a bold strategy to secure a table, but when you want the white truffle gnocchi, you do what you have to do.

2. Dominus Estate (The Blind Tasting Tour)

Dominus Estate is famous for its legendary Cabernet blends and its striking building made of local basalt rocks packed into wire cages. Since Dominus famously does not have a public tasting room, we suspect Paul was simply trying to use the front right quarter-panel of his Porsche 911 to create one. 

3. Chandon California (The Louis Vuitton Garage)

Maybe Paul was just looking for a posh, outdoor terrace to relax. Chandon is owned by the luxury behemoth LVMH (Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton). It’s highly possible Paul thought the parked car he struck was actually a highly avant-garde, leather-trimmed trunk from the new Louis Vuitton summer collection. It wasn't. It was a Tesla Model S, and now his front bumper looks like a discounted outlet piece.

4. Silver Trident Winery (The "Take the Chair With You" Tour)

Silver Trident is a walkable tasting room beautifully furnished entirely by Ralph Lauren Home, where everything you sit on is for sale. We speculate Paul was trying to see if the Ralph Lauren partnership extended to drive-up valet service inside the actual showroom.

5. The California DMV (The Ultimate Destination)

Ultimately, the Napa County Sheriff’s Office has recommended Paul for a standard DMV driving reevaluation—a common rite of passage for octogenarian motorists. So, in a way, no matter where Paul thought he was heading on Friday, he was actually making a beeline  to everyone's favorite destination: waiting in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Drive safe out there, Napa. And if you see a brown convertible approaching, maybe park on the sidewalk.

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and parody. It is intended solely for humor and entertainment purposes. The events described surrounding the traffic incident are based on recent news reports, but the accompanying commentary, speculation, and characterizations are satirical exaggerations and should not be interpreted as factual anything.