Belichick Benched by Hall of Fame — Turns to the Bottle (the Wine Kind)

BREAKING: Sources close to Bill Belichick report the coach has pivoted from film study to full-time wine study after his Hall of Fame snub.

Neighbors say the perenially hoodie-clad legend was seen quietly swirling a glass of Napa Cabernet at 7:12am, muttering “situational tannins” while re-watching a 2003 challenge flag review. He allegedly now refers to every bottle as a “system wine” and refuses to drink anything that doesn’t “do its job in the fourth quarter.”

The bigger fallout? Domestic.

His much-younger girlfriend has reportedly grown tired of being dragged to candlelit wine bars where Bill spends 45 minutes interrogating sommeliers about cork integrity and optimal decanting windows. She and her friends have instead defected to local beer gardens, where she says, *“At least nobody here tries to explain malolactic fermentation to a bartender.”*

Belichick, undeterred, has doubled down. Insiders say he’s currently building a cellar organized strictly by defensive coverage schemes: Cover-2 Bordeaux, Man-to-Man Napa, and a special teams section reserved for Champagne “because you prepare for success.”

When asked for comment, Bill replied only:
“We’re on to Merlot because I never saw that stupid move with Paul Tagliabue.”

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