Three Celebrity Wines That Will Make You Question Everything

If you’ve ever wondered what happens when celebrities meet vineyard dirt, allow us to introduce Exhibit A: celebrity wines. These bottles strut into your local wine aisle like they’re walking a red carpet, but once the cork pops? Let’s just say, do. not. drink.  We decided to skip the PR-approved tasting notes--topped with last-minute superlatives by celebrity executive assistants--and listen instead to "real wine drinkers"—the folks who actually paid for these bottles and didn’t have to fake enthusiasm between hair and make-up appointments.

2020 Three By Wade Cabernet Sauvignon – Dwyane Wade

"I expected something bold, not a liquid participation trophy."

NBA legend Dwyane Wade could sink a buzzer-beater with his eyes closed, but his Cabernet Sauvignon? Just pour it in the sink.  Marketed as an "everyday affordable luxury," it mostly drinks like Tuesday night regret. Despite being stitched together by high quality California fruit, the result is a flabby mess.  One disappointed buyer on Cellar Tracker put it bluntly: “I’ve had Publix cabernets with more game. This tastes like someone dunked a plum in tap water and called it depth.” Another chimed in: “They said 14.9% alcohol—felt more like 14.9% false advertising.”

Miraval Rosé – Brad Pitt (and formerly Angelina Jolie)

"The most memorable part was the bottle. Too bad I couldn’t drink the glass.”

Brad Pitt’s Miraval estate rosé is gorgeous in the glass—pale pink, salmon hues, Instagram filter ready. But once you sip? Well, it’s a bit like Pitt’s Chanel No. 5 ad: pretty packaging, confusing message.

Wine shop regulars weren’t shy: “Tastes like the color pink, if the color pink were watered down LaCroix.” Another deadpanned: “This tastes like the old Benjamin Button's shit.”

Industry critics may wax poetic about its “floral lift,” but actual customers have called it “forgettable at best, floral bathwater at worst.”

 Avaline Red and White – Cameron Diaz & Katherine Power

"The only thing clean here is how it wipes your palate of joy.”

Cameron Diaz swore Avaline would be the answer for health-conscious wine drinkers everywhere: organic grapes, no “unnecessary” additives, and that magic phrase—“clean wine.” Unfortunately, actual wine lovers call it what it is: marketing buzz words poured into a pretty label.

One Avaline Red drinker didn’t mince words: “Tastes like someone tried to make sangria but forgot the fruit, sugar, and joy. I’d rather drink boxed Franzia—it’s cheaper and less judgmental.”

As for the white? A taster on X tweeted: “This isn’t wine, it’s grape-flavored punishment.” Another customer review on Google read: “Finish lingered longer than Cameron’s rom-com career, and somehow less enjoyable.”.

While we only surveyed three celebrity wines we feel if you want celebrity drama, stick to TMZ. If you want good wine, trust the serious producers and not celebrities looking to always cash in on their celebrity. Did we forget to mention that Sarah Jessica Parker is making Pinot Noir now?

Disclaimer: These wines—Three by Wade Cabernet Sauvignon, Miraval Rosé, and Avaline—are real and available for purchase. However, this post is a parody and written for entertainment purposes.