Dom Pérignon Threatens to Rebrand to "Dumb Pérignon" in Tariff Standoff

The hallowed halls of Champagne are in an uproar today as sources close to the prestigious house of Dom Pérignon, owned Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton, have revealed a stunning and drastic threat against the United States. In response to trade tensions and the looming specter of hefty tariffs on European wines and spirits by the Trump Administration, the legendary champagne producer is reportedly considering a name change to "Dumb Pérignon" and has vowed to exclusively send this re-branded product to the U.S. market.

"We have always been about elegance, refinement, and a certain je ne sais quoi," said a very stressed-looking spokesperson, adjusting his cravat. "But if our cherished bottles are to be taxed into oblivion, making them inaccessible to the very people who appreciate their superbness, then we might as well embrace a new identity that reflects the situation. It's a statement, you see. A very bubbly, very expensive statement."

The rumored rebrand would see the iconic shield label defaced with one featuring the words "Dumb Pérignon" in a cartoonish font. The company has also hinted that the new vintage would be a non-vintage blend with a much more "straightforward" flavor profile—primarily "grape juice with aggressive bubbles."

The Champagne industry at large is watching closely, with many other producers said to be considering similarly satirical retaliatory measures. Veuve Clicquot is reportedly exploring "Veuve Clickbait," and Moët & Chandon is rumored to be toying with "Moët & Abandon." As the trade war simmers, it seems the world's most luxurious beverages are ready to play hardball.